People ops · parody
Careers
We’re not hiring. But here’s the comp structure, for vibes.
Forward-looking headcount: zero. Openings: also zero. Empathy: high.
Open roles
- Chief Swag Officer (filled). Currently Nicholas. Do not apply.
- Chairman of the Board (visor). Non-speaking role. Excellent benefits: shade.
- CFO (mug). Liquid assets only.
Comp structure (joke)
Base
Soft cotton
Tee or equivalent
Bonus
Stranger compliments
Paid in Mexico
Equity
Glossary options
Vest on laugh
Benefits
Free shipping @ $75
The only free lunch